talkstoomuch

I committed to using my words and embracing this experience of dissociative integration nearly three orbits ago. Since then, I have circled myself like a hawke. I now notice every time I hold my breath, stand frozen, feel dysregulated, withhold, withdraw, or become unable to tolerate connection altogether. These are not random behaviors. I developed these physiological skills in environments where I had little or no autonomy. At the time, they functioned as control. Now, outs

I carry home like a burden. A place I need to arrive at, somewhere to choose correctly and stay. After a lifetime of movement, the weight of it has worn me down. I cannot carry it physically anymore. So home becomes a pattern of recognition. The quiet yes in my body when something familiar returns. Home, for me, exists in that brief coolness at the edge of spring and fall. In the windchimes outside my window. In the sky at dusk and the pale, almost nauseating light just befor